Tradicat

+ JMJ This is ... I think the final article in this series ... at least for now.  If something else comes up I will add and update. First, the characteristics that I mentioned in earlier articles are not necessarily exclusion criteria - for example someone may come from a broken home. This means you need to probe further and before making a choice. You can try the seminary or convent, but your can't 'try' a Catholic marriage. Second, I have been dividing the characteristics in a new way using Herzberg's Two-Factor motivational theory ... because the factors have cute names: Hygiene and motivational factors. Two-factor theory distinguishes between: Motivators (e.g. challenging work, recognition for one's achievement, responsibility, opportunity to do something meaningful, involvement in decision making, sense of importance to an organization) that give positive satisfaction, arising from intrinsic conditions of the job itself, such as recognition...

+ JMJ As discussed in my article on the Intellectual Virtue , this is the foundation upon which much of the other virtues are built.  As noted in the catechism, are goal is to know, love, and serve God in this life so as to be happy with him in the next. Concerning a prospect, on the practical side, what decisions have they made that affect their future life. Key areas that come to mind of health (smoking, alchohol use, drugs), finances (debt load, spending habits), career decisions.  Bad decisions may be signs of bad habits or immaturity. Key point: Don't think you can change the prospect.  If they want to amend their lives then they need demonstrate the fortitude and perseverance (see earlier posts) to achieve these goals. On the theoretical or speculative side, what level of education do they have?  Do they have 3rd party (ie Red Seal, Diploma, Degree) validation that they have certain abilities?  If not, unless they are self-employed, the ca...

+ JMJ   In my article on Fortitude (see link) , I summarized the following points: Just as temperance virtues remove from the will obstacles to rational good arising from sensuous pleasure, fortitude removes from the will those obstacles arising from the difficulties of doing what reason requires. In short fortitude is the virtue by which one endures dangers and difficulties, even death itself, and is never dissuaded by fear from the pursuit of good.   Patience  disposes us to bear present evils with equanimity; the patient man is one who endures present evils in such a way as not to be inordinately cast down by them. Munificence  disposes us to incur great expenses for the suitable doing of a great work. This differs from liberality, since it deals not with ordinary expenses / donations, but those that are great. The the munificent man (or woman) is one who gives with royal generosity, in accordance with right reason. Magnanimity  imp...

+ JMJ I realised that I missed a couple facets of narcissists and want to address that short coming. First, prospects who have this problem (and it is a problem) are normally very charismatic and charming. They can be enthralling story tellers, the life of the party etc. ... they are also adept as telling half-truths and lies. So if a person tells you fantastic stories about themselves that capture your imagination - perhaps you should step back and look at this critically. This is why it is very important to be aware of and explore the characteristics of a prospect in detail.  I've heard it said, Catholics can try the Seminary or Religious Life, but CANNOT try the married life. Second, mental health, especially in this day and age is a factor to consider.  The pressures and stressors of modern western culture are significant and in my experience, these act as triggers or enhancers for mental health issues. Catholic married life has enough stressors that avoidin...

+ JMJ Back to using the virtues as a framework for assessing a prospect. Whereas the discussion on Justice focused on the relations with others, the virtue of temperance pertain to our self-discipline and self-control. This is an easier topic since most of the symptoms are easily observable. In short, does the prospect demonstrate temperance in their habits (food, alchohol, smoking, physical displays of affection).  Are they seeking to improve (with out prompting from you)? Do they exert self-control over their emotions as noted in the annexed virtues? Two key areas to look at are alcohol, smoking (tobacco). Any use of marijuana should be an automatic disqualification for at least the following reasons: Causes mental illness in some users later in life. Creates temporary psychosis. Gateway to other drugs. Unlike alcohol, one puff and you've set the brain chemicals off balance. This was an easy one ... phew! P^3 Tradicat: Virtue its in you to p...

+ JMJ In the last article in this series , I wrote: Is every conversation drawn towards the challenges that they have faced and overcome? If you answer yes to this question, then take a step back and pay closer attention to trends in the conversation.  This person may have issues that could cause problems later on in the relationship.  Specifically, they may have narcissistic personality disorder or perhaps a blended disorder called narcissistic sociopathy. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Those affected often spend much time thinking about achieving power or success, or on their appearance. They often take advantage of the people around them. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of social situations. Wikipedia Now there is a little bit o...

+ JMJ Asking the two question from Part 2 are probably easier than answering them ... As a quick refresher, the two questions were: Man asks: Is this a woman that I can love above myself, can I nourish her (I don't mean just with the basics of life) and cherish her? Woman asks: Is this a man to whom I can respect and honour enough to willingly submit?   I believe the key will be to understanding the level of virtue that each prospective spouse possesses. (NB. from this point I'm going to list the 'prospective souse' as 'propect' ... a little sales lingo, but I don't have time to think of a better label.) My study of the virtues culminated in this article , and I think the first place to plumb the depths is their relationship with their parents and siblings. This falls squarely under the virtue of Justice and we can expand on it. Justice is basically giving everyone what they deserve. A quick aside, not what we think they deserve... but w...

+ JMJ In my last post on "Your Future Spouse Part 1" , I discussed a simple three step process for achieving commitment. I also pointed out that Marriage requires commitment because when something bad happens (we live in an imperfect world so it is a " WHEN " and not " IF ") any lack of commitment will result in a crisis. The degree of commitment is directly proportional to the ability of a couple to survive a crisis. What makes it worse is that it isn't a logical or, the equation is either/or.  It just takes one of the spouses to lack commitment to turn what could be a simple mis-understanding, into a major crisis - one that results in a separation. So communication is essential to achieve a shared understanding of all that is included in a Catholic Marriage.  Make no mistake, the list is long and glorious and runs counter to the culture that permeates the world today. St. Paul provided a brief summary ( Ephesians 5-21-33 ) of the core ...

+ JMJ Assuming that the vocation of at least some of my children will be marriage, it slowly dawned upon me that it would be good to pull together some thoughts on what to look for in a spouse. As an opener, there is something that people don't seem to do enough: Take time to talk about the facets of life that really matter. Why?  Well, because this way you'll be able to build a foundation for a Catholic Life together in accordance with the Catholic Wedding Vows: For Better for Worse ... There are three steps in the journey to a solid lasting relationship. The base is communication .  Without this (as management gurus repeat ad nauseum) nothing can be accomplished. Frankly, they are correct and from my reading, the reason why communication is essential is that it is the enabler of forming a shared understanding of the goals,  challenges and how each understand that challenges.  This is the first step in making certain that both have sufficient overlap...