Your Future Spouse (Part 4) Narcissism

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JMJ

In the last article in this series, I wrote:

Is every conversation drawn towards the challenges that they have faced and overcome?

If you answer yes to this question, then take a step back and pay closer attention to trends in the conversation.  This person may have issues that could cause problems later on in the relationship.  Specifically, they may have narcissistic personality disorder or perhaps a blended disorder called narcissistic sociopathy.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Those affected often spend much time thinking about achieving power or success, or on their appearance. They often take advantage of the people around them. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of social situations. Wikipedia

Now there is a little bit of narcissism in everyone, however at the edge of the spectrum is where it becomes the problem noted above.

Dealing with it really comes down to the two points made by St. Paul:

Man asks: Is this a woman that I can love above myself, can I nourish her (I don't mean just with the basics of life) and cherish her?
Woman asks: Is this a man to whom I can respect and honour enough to willingly submit?

A man who has this disorder will not love her above himself, because he is the object of his own affection.

Likewise, a narcissistic woman will be unable to respect, let alone honour, a man enough to willingly submit because they believe themselves to be better than everyone else and therefore they respect no one.

So in either case, full blown narcissism will eventually lead to a breakdown of the marriage because the foundation called for by St. Paul is absent.

Earlier I suggested observing the relationship between the prospect and their parents. This gives a lot of insight and in the case of narcissim, will be instructive:

It’s hard to empathize with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested, often due to faulty, early parenting. Some believe the cause lies in extreme closeness with an indulgent mother; others attribute it to parental harshness or criticalness. Although more research is required, twin studies revealed a 64-percent correlation of narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a genetic component (Livesley, Jang, Jackson, & Vernon, 1993).[1]

In the former case of indulgent parenting, one case to watch out for is where the prospect is a child of divorce. If the remaining parent dotes on the child, it may result in the disorder.  Some call this hovering or helicopter parents that are engaged completely in a childs life, even into adulthood. So look for an over indulgent / attached ever present parent.  Explore the relationship further if necessary.

Another aspect of narcissism is that the person has a different persona in public than in private.  Do they act significantly differently with other people?

At home, narcissists are totally different than their public persona. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. After an initial romance, they expect appreciation of their specialness and specific responses through demands and criticism in order to manage their internal environment and protect against their high sensitivity to humiliation and shame. Relationships revolve around them, and they experience their mates as extensions of themselves.[1]

Obviously, a person who is two-faced would obviously fail the virtue test.

If a person has at least 5 of the following traits, then there may be an issue:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents.
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes.
6. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends.
7. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her.
9. Has arrogant behaviors or attitudes.

Trait #4 doesn't always have to be about the prospects successes. It could just as easily be about all the problems, tradgedies, abuse etc that they have experienced throughout their life.  In this case they are simply playing the victim in order to inflate their ego by obtaining sympathy from those around them.  It is a manipulation technique that plays to the weakness of most human beings.  However, they will have no empathy for anyone else.  If they ask how you are doing, it is only to prompt the polite response of "Fine, how are you?" giving them the opening to start their narrative. In the course of the story-telling, the prospect may pause for an appropriate response and if not sufficient will 'pump up the volume' making it sound even worse. This will continue until they have reached a desire level of satisfaction and affirmation.

Does the prospect 'project' their behaviour onto others?

Psychological projection is a defence mechanism in which the human ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is habitually rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude. It incorporates blame shifting.

Basically, does the prospect never apologize for something they did?  Do they try to shift the blame on others?  For example, I know of one person who accused another of trying to isolating them.  When I stepped back, I realised that they were guilty of the exact behaviour and what's more it was documented.

So I've gone on long enough now ... I have attached some Narcissist indicators that I found.

Following obtained from psychologia and shorten as much as possible for key content.

1. Love bombing: Technique used by narcissists, narcissistic sociopaths and some other manipulative types in the beginning of a relationship in or order to attract their victims. Key example: Constant attention and compliments
2. Disappearing Act: Because they have little or no empathy, they need to test the degree of commitment. So once some attachment is observed, they be withdraw as an experiment.  They will see your level of interest, will create a desire to see them (in other words was the hook set properly), it creates an awareness of your dependency (love) of the person.
3. Rapid Commitment: Narcissistic Sociopaths need control over you and if they don't get what they need (your adoration) quickly, they will move on. So they need to get commitment quickly. Soon thereafter they will continue to infest the rest of your life making your feel empty when apart. So if they profess love and apply pressure for your reciprocate early in the relationship this is a definite warning sign. The guideline of a 9 month courtship followed by a 3 month engagement is good as it will help to test their resolve.
4. Hot and Cold, Mean and Sweet: The narcissistic sociopath may act hot and cold, switching from love / hate in a flash. This satisfies their "constant" need for attention; tests and gives the sense of power and control over you; may cause a loss of self-worth.  This is manipulation at its highest because by keeping you off balance, you will need them as the one constant in their life. (see isolation)
5. Gaslighting and Crazy-Making: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief.[Wikipedia]
6. Punishments: At a certain level of commitment the demands and rules for behavior will increase. Basically, they want you as an accessory that meets their self-perception.  How you walk, talk, dress, etc.  Violations of the rules, which will probably be shifting constantly to their whim, will be punished.  Without being aware of it, you are being psychologically trained to accept as normal the behaviour. Punishment can take a lot of forms such as physical abuse, emotional abandonment, arguments etc. 
7. Isolation: The goal is to have as much control over you as possible. In order to accomplish this, the narcissist will slowly isolate you from your support network. In this manner you will have to rely upon them for everything - even validation of reality. 
8. Sacrifice: The degree of control granted to the narcissist requires sacrifice on your part. To the point where you won't be able to make any decision or move without the narcissistic sociopath being present or without their permission. 
9. Sarcasm: Because the narcissistic sociopath has low self-esteem, they have to whittle down your self-esteem to a less than theirs.  In short they are a parasite. The use of sarcasm could be used to achieve this goal. The target of the sarcasm will be your self-esteem and no aspect will be left untouched (intelligence, appearance, manners, ability, competence, etc).  
10. Complexity: The relationship feels complex in a way that can't be explained to others.  This is the result of the control being exherted over you and the continual state of confusion that is maintained by the narscisstic sociopath.  Are you happy??? Are you fearful of losing the relationship? Are others realizing that something is wrong but your dismiss their queries and hide the true character of the prospect? Are you desperate for attention from the prospect? Do you realise that the relationship is bad but can't find the strength to get out (assuming you aren't married).  These are all signs of a significant degree of psychological manipulation and abuse.  You need to seek assistance.

Living with a narcissist is a trial (probably damaging) and the best solution is to recognize one beforehand and not enter into a marriage with one.

P^3

References

NB: Normally I don't provide references to psy magazines because of their freudian tendencies and perspectives on the marital act. In this case, I believe it is necessary to have access to reputable science based information that gives proper references. Please exercise prudence if you decide to seek further information on this topic.

1 Psychology Today: Understanding the Mind of a Narcissist
2 Psychology Today: Inside the Mind of a Narcissist
3 Psychology Today: The Truth About Narcissistic Personality Disorder
4 Wikipedia: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
5 Narcissistic sociopath: 26 things they do and how to deal with them
6 Psychcentral: How Narcissists Play the Victim and Twist the Story