Navigating Catholic Life - Part 2 Being a Good Husband and Father (Reply to Murrax's Questions)

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JMJ

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The Question

  I received the following comment from Murrax on the 'unhinged' post:

Hi Tradicat! I would like to know your perspective on how you think being a balanced traditional Catholic plays into family life, particularly being a good father and a good husband. I find that the best Catholic families are typically ones where there is balance, but finding that is hard. Some fathers are too strict and the children are either unbalanced or easily scandalized when they encounter the world and don't have the proper tools to deal with it. On the other hand, some are too liberal and the children and spouse sometimes end up worldly or give into the world entirely, sometimes leaving the faith.

You mention the fostering of the spiritual life in yourself and those who you are responsible for. This prioritization of the spiritual life in the role of the father is one of the most beautiful things I have found within Catholicism since converting. Do you have any practical tips that you have found in your experience on cultivating this life and developing a spiritually strong family?  (Comment from Unhinged)

Thank you to Murrax for this question, it prompted some good focus on this topic, one that after 25+ years of marriage and 50+ years of life that I've started to ponder.

Initial Thoughts

One of the first things that came to mind was the words an SSPX priest spoke to me decades ago when as a young married man, I commented on a young woman's pencil skirt at Sunday Mass. His response surprised me, 

You don't know what her father went through just to get her to Mass this morning.

Being from France, he went on to state that I would be shocked at some of the apparel that women wear to Mass in Paris.

This stuck with me.  First, the fact that I experienced a temptation was my responsibility. Second, that she had less than perfectly modest attire was her responsibility. Third, getting her to Mass was her father's responsibility. Fourth, keeping this all together was the responsibility of the Priest.  Fifth, had I been a father at the time, my responsibility would have been to explain these things to my children.

So, the first guideline is to focus on your own responsibilities. I am responsible for my self, my wife and my children. While what other people do, say or even think may be morally reprehensible, if I have no authority over them, then they are not my responsibility.  In most cases, I have no obligation to intervene.

This does not, however, mean that I won't engage in discussion if providence places the occasion before me.

Practical Tips

I think that the first practical tip is simply to practice the Faith and be seen doing so by your family. One story comes to mind as an example. As a school exercise my wife asked my son "What is Daddy's favorite book?"  He got excited and said, "I don't know what it's called, but I know what it looks like!". With that he disappeared upstairs and soon returned with my copy of The Catechism Explained by Spirago and Clark. He noticed that I read this book every morning during breakfast.  That made an impression without even trying. To be clear, I also read books on negotiation, business and secular novels  (Tom Clancy is a favourite, but obviously I have to skip some parts). 

As one person said: In the world but not of it.  

We need to earn our living to support ourselves, our families, the Church and Country. You children should be aware of that you do these things - not for the glory but as an example. We need to practice the Catholic Faith like Doctor's practice medicine. By continually 'doing' and 'learning'.

First, it is obvious that one's understanding of the Faith needs to keep pace with acquired secular knowledge. This was a pre-council rule that if a person pursued a university  education at a non-catholic institution, they would be assigned advanced courses. I have a friends who lawyer father experienced just that situation. I would add that in this time, studying the Faith is even more important as it is difficult to find a cleric you can trust.

The "doing" can be divided into the external and internal. Obvious external ways of practising the Faith include going to Mass, praying the rosary, morning and evening prayers, receiving the Sacraments, and various devotions.   Also think of the spiritual and corporal works of mercy (link) and the practice of virtue (link) within your life.

Next there is practising the spiritual life.  

Typical examples are reading spiritual books, praying, meditating, but those are the externals. At its core a spiritual life is internal and manifests externally for others to take your example. When you hurt yourself, do you launch into profanities or take a deep breath and control yourself, perhaps offering up this suffering for a special intention? Each setback is an opportunity to practice a virtue. You don't really have to go looking for them, God will drop them in your path like rose petals.

Like the Concept of Level 5 Leadership (link), if every time you have a choice in your behaviour you choose the practice a virtue, pretty soon you'll be on that path.

 

One target that I have, but remains elusive, is to foster the practice of the presence of God (See book by Br. Lawrence).  God is there in our lives, we just need to get into the virtuous habit and turning to him when we have a moment. 

Obviously, I am still trying to advance this practice in my life, but have found the Imitation of Christ and He and I helpful. 

One bit of advice came in the midst of the 'resistance' kerfuffle.  I was heavily involved in online arguments and while it helped some (I received thanks for providing clarity), it was spiritually draining. This is where the priestly 'fill your cup' advice came from, otherwise with an empty cup, you will crash and burn as others have before me (the article on this advice can be found here (link). 

A key element of the advice was, "when reading a book [or anything] if you are inspired by something, stop, move from prayer to mediation to contemplation". This takes practice and it should be a part of practising the Faith (pun intended).

Prioritization and Fostering of the Spiritual Life

 At first glance, I don't think it is a question of prioritization of the spiritual life, it is more a question of integration. The ideal that I've recently been trying to apply is that the spiritual life is just another facet  of our life. Like breathing, we may not realize how important it is until a crisis, like being submerged under water.

How does this look in practice?  

Taking the time to direct | offer | consecrate what you are doing to God, reflecting on what has been happening to you in an interiour conversation with God, practicing virtue.

For example, I take notes throughout the workday.  At the top of each page I write 

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JMJ

.. while saying interiourly "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, to Thee I consecrate this work".

When I injure myself, as I feel the pain, I try to silently offer it up as reparation for my sins or for any special intention that I have.  My kids realize that rarely do I lose control of my temper and utter profanity when hurt.  The worst they've heard from my lips is 'shit'. Let be certain, if I am seriously injured I will seek medical attention - like when a breaker bar slipped and nailed me on the bridge of my nose.  But I didn't curse.

Also, I have recently started using a journal to collect the random and not so random thoughts throughout the day.  I started this to foster a habit of reflection on what's happening and basically anything else that pops into my mind.  This is still a work in process but a habit and the virtue of wisdom worth forming.

Easily Scandalized

 I find that, in some cases, people get scandalized by things that really aren't all that significant.  

One example comes to mind. Before we were married, my wife taught at an SSPX school and explained to her students that "stupid" wasn't a bad word and that calling someone stupid wasn't a big deal.  Later I overheard a family member telling the kids that "I don't care what Miss ____ told you, it is a big sin".  I don't know for certain that it was the same situation, but assuming it was ... it was stupid to making something into a sin that really isn't.  Calling someone stupid is uncharitable, but in itself isn't a bad word.

The root of this problem is a lack of understanding of what is bad, impolite or sinful.  For example, the word "shit" is technically vulgar, it isn't really a "curse" or "swearing".  It is beneath a Catholic to utter it when something happens, but really it isn't that big a deal (mea maxima culpa).  In fact, making it a big deal is actually a big deal. 

Why?

Because if people believe that everything (hyperbole) is sinful, the burden placed upon them will grow until they snap.  I've seen it happen in extremes and it is a waste.  Understanding what really is sinful vs what you believe is sinful is the path to sanity and a broad perspective on life in this valley of tears. I can't say how important this is in the formative years. 

Now, there are plenty of events and actions by people who should know better that are "scandalous". Assisi, and basically every other word of Pope Francis fall easily into this category.  This is where it is important to have a sense of justice and not revenge.  When Pope Francis does something heretical etc, I've seen people get worked up into a real lather in the comm box.  We need to stop that death spiral. Acknowledge that yes it is bad, and then sit back and figure out how it affects you.  

For example Traditiones Custodes.  

• Does it change anything if you get upset, loose peace of soul and complain to everyone you meet? 
• Nope! 
• Is this a good example for those around you?  
• Nope again! 

How to do I try handle this type of situation?

1. Remain calm (i.e. take a deep breath), 
2. look at the situation,
   
3. make a decision about what action you need to take (Need not Want),
4. take action,
5. rinse and repeat 😎
   

 Example: I go to the SSPX so I am not affected by TC.  So I remain calm and Catholic On!  In fact most of Francis' decisions on liturgy etc don't affect me directly, but they really mess with the 'Full Communion' class of Traditional Catholics ... oh also the faithful but modern Catholics.

This leads me to my thoughts on conspiracy theories.  Conspiracy Theories are poison to the soul for the following reasons, they:

1. Present something that may or may not be true as 'fact'
2. Create a feeling of impotency in their believers.
3. Undermine respect for authority by creating a cynical perspective and uncritical thinking.
   

I've witnessed the imbibing of conspiracy theories destroy a life. So yes, I take it seriously and the counter to this is critical thinking, a broad perspective on Church Teaching and an understanding of what you can do about very bad things that are happening.  

So the next time someone comes to you with the latest scandal or conspiracy theory, ask yourself:

1. Is this credible?
2. Does it affect me?
3. What decision do I need to make?
4. What action do I need to take?

If you answer no to either 1 or 2, move on to the next subject.  If you answer none to #3 and #4 ... move one.

If you want the person to move on past the topic, try asking them what they are going to do about it.

Too Liberal, Worldly

 Here's the thing, at what point is something 'too liberal'?  That is a subjective measure where an objective one is needed.  If someone lives in a nice house are they too worldly?  My thought is the practice of virtues like prudence, thriftiness etc should counteract this issue.  

So what does it mean to be 'worldly'? It isn't in the Ten Commandments.

I think that the moral virtues (Justice, Temperance and Fortitude) are the answer and a good metric to assess whether a behaviour is virtuous, neutral or vice (not certain of the tense for this one😏).

I went through this in detail in this article:Virtue - It's In You To Practice (link).

Another pot-hole to watch for is cultural vs virtue norms.  For example, in Trad Culture women wearing jeans, shorter skirts etc is counter-cultural.  However, if they are working in a job where a skirt is not practical - then this falls outside the cultural norm but is a necessity.

Bishop Williamson had a whole series called "Slacks" that he published over a number of years.  I want to see what (if any) opinion the Church had on this topic.  I know Pius XI made some statements and maybe Pius XII, so I'll have to do some digging.

Leaving the Faith

 I've seen people leave the SSPX for various reasons. In some cases the results appear to have been catastropic for the children.  In others it is harder to tell. 

What is common in all cases is free-will.  

As a father I do what I can to give a good example, impart lessons of the faith and world.  I also have to remind myself that eventually our children will be on their own and have to make their own decisions. Just as I made my own decisions that were right / wrong and learned from them  (I think).

So, I try to remind myself that we are not raising children, we are raising adults.  Teaching them critical thinking, reading and writing is just as important as the Truths of the Faith.  It may sound bold but with all the confusion and people proposing their own opinions / beliefs as dogma, critical thinking is a survival skill in a world in a death spiral.

This is the goal, but as I said, Free-Will is real!

Other Perspectives

I got the idea to ask my family their thoughts on the question ...

Wife and Mother of Nine!

It is the example of the Parents that they actually love the faith, they go beyond the minimal obligation.  Talk with your kids, spend time with them and involve them in the discussions of the Faith. It won't get to the heart if it's not in the head.  It has to be presented attractively.   Homeschooling makes this easy because it is incorporated in the curriculum. 

 

26 Year Old

Boy that's a tough question!!! It's hard to find balance in general but even harder to find balance within the spectrum of encouraging and nourishing spiritual life within the family.

 Daily Rosary is definitely key in this!! I find saying the Rosary with the family wonderful, but occasionally it's exhausting with our family because there are constant interruptions and the 15 minutes stretches into half an hour. I'm not counting the time it takes to get together - even though that can take a while it's pleasant to have conversation till then. It's the moment we grab our rosaries and cross ourselves that I find myself irritated by the constant pausing in prayer, whether it be reminders to the kiddos or other things. It just seems to take forever. And I've been trying to kneel for the Rosary more consistently lately and I've really noticed how long it takes.

Spiritual reading I feel should be strongly encouraged! I like how Mommy had a set time where everyone had to be quiet and respectful for those who were doing spiritual reading. However, I feel that it shouldn't be pushed on the adults. However, they should respect the silence. I myself prefer to do spiritual reading in my own time, usually right after I had a shower. 

These are two things that come to my mind, but I disclose I know little in such matters since I don't carry the burden and responsibility of having to raise a family! I think you and Mommy are doing fantastic and take any notes you see fit to help answer this question. 

21 Year Old

I feel like, just by your good example you inspired me to love my faith. 

It's because of you reading the Council of Trent that I love reading Moral theology and such. Mum also played a big part where she would have amazing adult conversations with us as kids. 

Every family is different obviously.  But you really have a good balance, where you and mum will talk about how messed up the world is. But not too much where we still had faith in it. 

You guys also communicated with us openly, so I feel like if I have any worries or questions you would answer it without any judgment. 

 

You and mum show us how much you love us, and want us to be happy, which has helped a lot.

 

15 Year Old

Here's  my thoughts, for kids, showing them is more important than telling them. If they see that you value the Faith, they will understand it's value and will value it as well. Versus you just telling them its important  without any real example of you valuing it.you do need to have a sense of strictness with the kids, but a good balance to strictness is explaining why you are saying no instead of just saying no.

Conclusion

So this was a long answer and I think it reflects our approach to life.  My wife and I both lost parents when we were young and this may be a factor in how we adapted to being Traditional Catholic in  a world gone crazy. 

We hope this helps you chart a steady path through the stormy seas that are life!