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Some Principles for Managing Confrontations

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By
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JMJ


A few weeks ago I witnessed the evolution of a confrontation, in real-time.

The speaker had just finished a 2+ hour session including presentations / exercises (yes there were some breaks) and opened the floor to questions.

The first question from the floor pointed out (obliquely) a potential way to improve the system that was presented. While the question could have been presented better, it is the response that set the stage for the confrontation.

The presenter immediately became defensive and continued in 'tell' mode. Telling his interlocutor that decisions had been made.

... and he missed both the point and the opportunity.


The point was that the person posing the question was uncomfortable with the means being employed to achieve an end.

Everyone in the room seemed to be in full agreement that the ends were worth achieving. It was some elements of the means being used to achieve those ends that rubbed some people the wrong way.

Sorry for being vague on details, but I want to focus on the underlying principles for the confrontation and not the actual material.

So here's a couple of principles for managing confrontations:
  1. Offense is not given, it is offered. Like an item placed on a table in front of you, it is up to you to decide whether or not to take it or leave it.
  2. Ask questions to understand and clarify what was said. 
  3. Re paraphrase what was said to ensure that you have understood it.
  4. Avoid the use of the words:
    1. You
    2. Why
    3. However
    4. But
  5. Don't point you hand (or any other sharp instrument).
In a heated argument (or even simmering one), it is difficult to keep this together, but practice makes perfect.

P^3



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