Skip to main content

Finding A Spouse

Image
By
When I was in Winona last week, I had a discusion with a bright young lady about the issues in finding 'the' spouse.

I'm writing this article so I won't forget some of the more salient points.

  1. Develop a good wide Catholic perspective by study and a strong spiritual life.  In this manner you will develop the peace of soul in order to see the path of salvation that God has laid out for you. 
    1. This may be marriage, in which case there will be a person that you will encounter on that path.
    2. This may be for a religious vocation, in which case the person is God.
  2. Be comfortable in your skin, so to speak.
    1. Being patient and open to Divine Providence is the key.
  3. Work more on 'being the right one' and not 'finding the right one'.
  4. Listen to your parents and mature friends who can provide a more objective assessment of the merits of a particular person.
  5. You aren't looking for a perfect 'match', ideally you should marry a person whose strengths make up for your weaknesses, and vice-versa. They should be able to help you work on your weaknesses as you should help them with theirs.
Ok, I think I caught the main points - #1 was new for me and popped into my head during the discussion.  #5 was also new, but I've known it intuitively for many years.

On the drive back to the camp ground, I occured to me that finding a spouse has a strong similarity to Herzberg's Hygiene theory.

This is a motivational theory that contains primarily two elements:
  • Motivators (e.g. challenging work, recognition, responsibility) that give positive satisfaction, arising from intrinsic conditions of the job itself, such as recognition, achievement, or personal growth,[4] and
  • Hygiene factors (e.g. status, job security, salary, fringe benefits, work conditions) that do not give positive satisfaction, though dissatisfaction results from their absence. These are extrinsic to the work itself, and include aspects such as company policies, supervisory practices, or wages/salary.[4][5]
Essentially, hygiene factors are needed to ensure an employee is not dissatisfied. Motivation factors are needed to motivate an employee to higher performance. Herzberg also further classified our actions and how and why we do them, for example, if you perform a work related action because you have to then that is classed as "movement", but if you perform a work related action because you want to then that is classed as "motivation".

Source

Once 'hygiene' factors are in place, they don't really motivate a person. In a similar manner, there are (or should be) basic criteria that a spouse should possess prior to even considering them as anything more than an acquaintance. If a person falls below this 'bar' they are a non-starter. Likewise, if a person just has the 'hygiene' factors in a relationship, there is no 'motivation' to grow the relationship - very dangerous ground even for a Catholic.

From a relationship point of view 'hygiene' factors can include elements such as Faith, Family background, financial situation.  These are ones that people are used to listing off when making a 'checklist' for a prospective spouse. I don't want to make it sound like this is not important, it is important as a baseline. Keep in mind that picking a person to spend the rest of your natural life with (assuming you outlive them) is a serious issue that will have a major influence on the eternal salvation of your soul.

Motivational factors in a relationship are trickier to determine. Does this person have strengths that counter balance your weaknesses? Do they want to help you save your soul? Do they have a mature spiritual life?  Are they mature?

Once you've developed this list - it would be useful to turn the microscope on yourself. How do you measure up? What should you be doing to make yourself 'the one'? 

For myself, I can look back and see the finger of God grooming me to be 'the one' for my wife. All of the important work that God undertook was interior. First he had to deepen my heart so that I could love deeply (a generic problem for men ...). Second, he providentially helped me to remove a number of barriers in my spiritual life.  Thirdly, he deepened my spiritual life.

So to sum up:

  1. Have clear ideas of the 'hygiene factors' that need to be in place before you'll consider a relationship with a prospective spouse.
  2. Have clear ideas of the 'motivational factors' that need to be present to get to the next step.
  3. Have a deep spiritual life that allows you to see the path that God has set out for you to walk on for your own salvation.
  4. Look at yourself in all humility and work on making yourself worthy of the person that God has chosen to be your help in life so that you make help them in return.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Father, Should I Attend That Mass?" Advice on Attending Non-SSPX Latin Masses

By
 + JMJ I see that the 'resistors' are in a tizzy because Fr. Robinson used them as an example instead of the sedevacantists. What is interesting is that you can apply the exact same reasons against going to a sede mass as that of the 'resistors'. Namely: On the other extreme are those situations where an SSPX priest knows that a certain non-SSPX traditionalist venue is a grave danger to the faith . Frankly, most, if not all, of the Resistance Masses would fall into this category. In many cases, the behavior of these priests has been and continues to be scandalous, by their (A) spirit, their (B) preaching, and their indiscriminate conferral of the (C) priesthood and (D) episcopacy. To attend a Mass with such ongoing scandals poses a serious danger to the souls of the faithful. Yep, looking at A,B,C and D the shoe fits. On this basis the "resistors" = "sedevacantists". P^3 Courtesy of SSPX.org   A companion article to a recent "Questions with ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Correcting Caricatures of the SSPX

By
 + JMJ Introduction First, a little background on the FSSP St. John Vianney Chapel in Mission Hill Kansas.  After the 1988 consecrations and the foundation of the FSSP there was a consistent trend of Dioceses allowing the SSPX to run chapels and churches near SSPX locations. As with any 'organizational change' there were those who didn't agree with the change and no longer sought the sacraments from the SSPX. I heard from friends that in that era there was a lot of anger and tension (on both sides) between the St. Mary's SSPX and Mission Hill FSSP.  Second, there have been caricatures of the SSPX position (some are evident below) in which personal opinions of SSPX priests and laity are taken as the official position or conflated with those of sedevacantists or 'resistance'. Recent Perspectives of the SSPX Position In the shadow of the consecrations a fever pitch accusations and opinions how surfaced - many of which include caricatures of the SSPX positions, of w...
Post a Comment
Read more

SSPX: Why Is the SSPX So Criticized?

By
 + JMJ As long as you are ok with what happens in other Catholic Churches, Traditional Catholics will be left 'alone'.  This is a paraphrase of words spoken by an Archbishop to Traditional Catholics (with a sprinkling of SSPX) who had requested the Traditional Latin Mass under Summorum Pontificum. This reflects that attitude of the Church towards anyone who takes issue with some of the ambiguities of Vatican II and the post-conciliar magisterium.  If you reject the papacy but are ok with V2, the New Mass, and what Rome has stated since 1965 - then you are welcome. Question some of the more abiguous statements and ask for Rome to realise that a circle is not a square - then you are in for a world of hurt. This is where the SSPX exists and has existed from almost its very first moments. Pointing out contradictions with previous magisterium is not acceptable - under any condition. Why? Because it will cause the whole V2 house of cards to fall. I guess only when the contradic...
Post a Comment
Read more

Stories: Early Days of Tradition Part 8 - Convention Centre Chapel

By
 + JMJ I came to Tradition a few years after they had bought a chapel. My wife told me of the earlier years when Fr. Normandin would come to town and Mass would be held in a room at the convention centre.  He'd start by blessing the room and then proceed with Mass. This went on for a while before the one of the faithful found a small hall that would suit just fine. They pooled their money and bought the building.  Then came the work as the retiree's refinished the floor, setup the sactuary. Oh, did I mention that I heard that the hall had been used by a motorcycle gang? The floor needed a lot of work.  I remember seeing pictures of the founders working to make the hall into a fitting place for the Sacrifice of the Mass. That little chapel would be a refuge like many others serviced by Fr. Normandin.  From Thunderbay, Ontrario to Nanaimo, British Columbia - the SSPX chapels are all the results of Fr. Normandin's missionary work in those desperate times. Without h...
Post a Comment
Read more

How many more must die for the throne? or How to combat FUD!

By
 + JMJ How many more must die for the throne? (Movie Quote: Prince Caspian) The Spread of Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt I've seen a lot of FUD spreading across the intergnat on various stats etc.   So let's put this in context ... especially the perspective of those people in positions of authority who need to make decisions to protect the lives of their citizens. Yep, this is going to be that type of post.  Like it or not the leaders of our governments have their authority from God.  So, as Catholics should know, you need to have a very good reason to deliberately disobey the orders of their superiors. This is basic St. Thomas Aquinas ... so don't blame me for discussing things from a Catholic perspective. The leaders of our countries have taken action to protect the vulnerable of our countries.   As much as the young and not-so-young may whine and complain - I have to ask how many more of our elderly have to die? What the armchair virologists and ec...
10 comments
Read more