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Finding A Spouse

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When I was in Winona last week, I had a discusion with a bright young lady about the issues in finding 'the' spouse.

I'm writing this article so I won't forget some of the more salient points.

  1. Develop a good wide Catholic perspective by study and a strong spiritual life.  In this manner you will develop the peace of soul in order to see the path of salvation that God has laid out for you. 
    1. This may be marriage, in which case there will be a person that you will encounter on that path.
    2. This may be for a religious vocation, in which case the person is God.
  2. Be comfortable in your skin, so to speak.
    1. Being patient and open to Divine Providence is the key.
  3. Work more on 'being the right one' and not 'finding the right one'.
  4. Listen to your parents and mature friends who can provide a more objective assessment of the merits of a particular person.
  5. You aren't looking for a perfect 'match', ideally you should marry a person whose strengths make up for your weaknesses, and vice-versa. They should be able to help you work on your weaknesses as you should help them with theirs.
Ok, I think I caught the main points - #1 was new for me and popped into my head during the discussion.  #5 was also new, but I've known it intuitively for many years.

On the drive back to the camp ground, I occured to me that finding a spouse has a strong similarity to Herzberg's Hygiene theory.

This is a motivational theory that contains primarily two elements:
  • Motivators (e.g. challenging work, recognition, responsibility) that give positive satisfaction, arising from intrinsic conditions of the job itself, such as recognition, achievement, or personal growth,[4] and
  • Hygiene factors (e.g. status, job security, salary, fringe benefits, work conditions) that do not give positive satisfaction, though dissatisfaction results from their absence. These are extrinsic to the work itself, and include aspects such as company policies, supervisory practices, or wages/salary.[4][5]
Essentially, hygiene factors are needed to ensure an employee is not dissatisfied. Motivation factors are needed to motivate an employee to higher performance. Herzberg also further classified our actions and how and why we do them, for example, if you perform a work related action because you have to then that is classed as "movement", but if you perform a work related action because you want to then that is classed as "motivation".

Source

Once 'hygiene' factors are in place, they don't really motivate a person. In a similar manner, there are (or should be) basic criteria that a spouse should possess prior to even considering them as anything more than an acquaintance. If a person falls below this 'bar' they are a non-starter. Likewise, if a person just has the 'hygiene' factors in a relationship, there is no 'motivation' to grow the relationship - very dangerous ground even for a Catholic.

From a relationship point of view 'hygiene' factors can include elements such as Faith, Family background, financial situation.  These are ones that people are used to listing off when making a 'checklist' for a prospective spouse. I don't want to make it sound like this is not important, it is important as a baseline. Keep in mind that picking a person to spend the rest of your natural life with (assuming you outlive them) is a serious issue that will have a major influence on the eternal salvation of your soul.

Motivational factors in a relationship are trickier to determine. Does this person have strengths that counter balance your weaknesses? Do they want to help you save your soul? Do they have a mature spiritual life?  Are they mature?

Once you've developed this list - it would be useful to turn the microscope on yourself. How do you measure up? What should you be doing to make yourself 'the one'? 

For myself, I can look back and see the finger of God grooming me to be 'the one' for my wife. All of the important work that God undertook was interior. First he had to deepen my heart so that I could love deeply (a generic problem for men ...). Second, he providentially helped me to remove a number of barriers in my spiritual life.  Thirdly, he deepened my spiritual life.

So to sum up:

  1. Have clear ideas of the 'hygiene factors' that need to be in place before you'll consider a relationship with a prospective spouse.
  2. Have clear ideas of the 'motivational factors' that need to be present to get to the next step.
  3. Have a deep spiritual life that allows you to see the path that God has set out for you to walk on for your own salvation.
  4. Look at yourself in all humility and work on making yourself worthy of the person that God has chosen to be your help in life so that you make help them in return.
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